I have incorporated BDSM and kink in my life for as long as I can remember. I feel like I was fairly knowledgeable. After I met Michele and we started to really connect I realized there were a few things that I didn’t know about. It’s not so much that I didn’t know about them as I didn’t know they were “a thing”. Something that has a name and volumes written about them. Two of these things are sub drop and aftercare. And they are intricately tied together.
The first is aftercare – In my previous very long term relationship there were a lot of things that I had to work hard to get. My desire to be spanked and whipped was very strong and was a core need. This is something that I needed to satisfy a missing part inside me. Unfortunately my partner was not a particularly willing participant. I was indulged on occasion but I had to really work to get it. Probably too hard and in ways that weren’t particularly healthy for either of us. We would negotiate and bargain. I would offer just about anything to get what I needed. They would reluctantly give in and provide a small level of what I was looking for. Or at least part of what I was looking for. This is where I experienced aftercare. Or more accurately didn’t experience aftercare. My partner was triggered by spanking or beating me so afterward they wanted to be by themselves. They didn’t want me around. They preferred I wasn’t even in the same room, certainly didn’t want to be touched or cuddle or anything like that and had no desire to talk about it at all. I on the other hand wanted (and needed) that physical touch. I wanted to hold and be held. I wanted to love and be loved. I didn’t get that. In some ways the isolation probably increased my want to be spanked. I didn’t know what “aftercare” was but I know I wasn’t getting it. I wish I had learned this much earlier in life.
The second is sub drop – This is how I learned about “sub drop”. Again, something I didn’t know had a name, only that I experienced it. All alone. After finally getting what I thought I needed I would start to spiral into feelings of guilt, of not being good enough, of being needy, or weird. The thing I wanted was not accepted and therefore I felt like I was not accepted.
I wish I knew about aftercare and sub drop much earlier. Not necessarily because I could change anything but so I could understand what was happening. I would have been able to identify my feelings and at least try to do something with them. I understood the concepts through the negative side of them. I didn’t get the care afterwards that I needed so I felt unwanted and unloved. I would suffer from “drop” but without the understanding of what was happening I couldn’t do anything to help stop it. I didn’t know how to talk about it with my partner but I also didn’t even know I needed to talk about it.
I have learned that aftercare is what prevents or at least reduces my experience of drop. I can also recognize when I am dropping or I am about to drop and know that I need more aftercare. It doesn’t matter if it is immediately after, hours, or even days later. I can, and do reach out to Michele to resolve whatever fears or other feelings I may be having. Needing to reach out days later doesn’t mean I didn’t get good aftercare immediately after an intense activity, it only means I need a little more. I may need reassurance. I may need to be told that I did good. Or even to be told I didn’t do good, that is ok too. We always welcome the opportunity to do better and we do it in a loving way. We look to the future allowing the past to guide us around things that might cause us to have problems.
I love to hear your thoughts, please leave a comment or send us an email
John
