As I sat with my coffee this morning, I started reflecting on my day…
I woke up this morning thinking about a fantasy I have had for a long time. I want to be punished. My head was in that state of consciousness somewhere between sleep and being awake. That time where I am consciously thinking about something but it still feels almost dreamy. My cage was pulling on my balls from a very strong attempt at an erection when I woke up so I think I had been dreaming about it first.
So what makes this fantasy frustrating? It is a fantasy that cannot be fulfilled. Or at least I haven’t figured out a way to fulfill it. I have this deep longing for a harsh punishment, and this particular longing is for a harsh physical punishment. Just what that looks like has evolved over the last 50 years but it always involves impact implements of some sort. Pushing me to my limit, and then just a little bit more. In my current stage it would involve the use of canes, on just about any part of my body. I look forward to writing about what that is like in the future but for now the importance is that it is a real punishment. I need to not want it, to be pushed a little. I need to want it to stop but for the one administering it to need more. And just as important if not more is that I need the person (Michele of course) giving it to be really punishing me.
And this is where the frustration comes in to play. I don’t want to ever do anything that would put Michele in a position where she wants to punish me. I like being obedient. I like being a good boy. We have very clear expectations so I know (generally) how to stay where I am supposed to be. When I do veer a little our dynamic allows us, almost forces us, to get back on track before anything becomes a “punishable” issue.
So how do I get this “need” fulfilled? And at some deep phycological level it is a need. That is the question I am pondering.
I don’t expect an easy answer but if anyone has one please share, leave a comment or send us an email
John



