Seriously, I do remember my safeword but I do sometimes have to think about it because it doesn’t come to mind. I have never had to use it and will be surprised when the day comes that I need to. It’s not because I don’t have limits, I do. And it’s not because Michele doesn’t bring me to my limit, she does. More than a couple of times she has brought me past what I thought was my limit. The reason she can do this is because we communicate. All the time. Before we try something we talk about it. After we have had an intense time together we “debrief” and talk about it. But most importantly we communicate while we are doing things together. She knows where I am because of what I say. I give her assurances that what we are doing is good. That I want more. Even when it hurts, a lot, I try to lean in to it. Other times I squirm and try to get away. Not in a trying to get out of it way, more of a my body won’t let me stay in that position way. I use my words, my grunts and groans, my sounds of pleasure, and my body language to let her know where I am and how I’m feeling. It isn’t perfect but it works very well for us.

Since I haven’t needed to use my safeword does that mean I don’t need one?

Not at all. Having a safeword, and the trust that goes with it is what allows us both to push our limits a little. I know that if something is going too far I can call a timeout. And Michele has the comfort of knowing that she can let loose as well without worrying if she has gone too far. If you were to watch from the outside it probably looks like things have gone too far. I will squirm and try to move away. I will let out yelps and moans. A good loud “Oh fuck” is a sign that I am close. A couple of them in a row and Michele knows she has me right where she wants me.

This brings me to another question – When can I use my safeword?

I can and I must if I am in a position where I am going to experience permanent harm. The obvious example is physical harm, something that will not heal or is extremely dangerous. The less obvious but just as important situation is if I will experience permanent psychological harm. This can be harder to see, both for Michele and for me. It is easy to get lost in my head space and not realize that I am in a situation that is triggering past hurts in an unhealthy way. This is compounded by the desire, and often need, to be in those exact situations. Not to trigger an unhealthy response but to allow me to experience it in a healthy loving way under the guidance of someone that I trust and who will guide me through it gently.

So when can I not use my safeword?

In our relationship I have handed full control of myself over to Michele. I don’t get to use my safeword to get out of doing something I don’t want to do. That is no longer my decision. She does to me what she wants to do. It doesn’t matter if I am “in the mood”, or feel like it. And she can make me do whatever she wants to whenever she wants. Unless there is a very real potential for permanent harm I will do what she tells me to.

Are there other times I can use my safeword?

One that comes to mind is that I can and will safeword to protect Michele. Just as I am often in a head space that allows my limits to be pushed Michele can have the same thing happen to her. It’s not likely to a physical limit although she does overdo herself sometimes. There are times however when she will push her own emotional and psychological limits when she is feeling the rush of being in her dom space. I don’t recall ever stopping her but there have been times when I will talk to her and ask her if she is good going forward with what we are doing. Protecting her is part of my responsibility as her submissive. Michele is in control but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to be taken care of.

I like that we have a safeword, it allows us to exercise “safe talking” while exploring our limits and desires in a healthy safe way. This protects us from the abrupt stop of a safeword, rather slowing us down as necessary so we can approach and evaluate our limits in real time.

For the day that I need it, my safeword is “grasshopper”. Not like the insect that can fly away but rather as the student that must always learn from his master (and now you know just how old I am).

Please be safe in all you do. Always look out for and take care of yourself and your partner(s).

I love hearing your thoughts, please leave a comment or send us an email.

John