We got an email the other day and I’ve been going over and over it in my head and chatting with cagedmonkey about how to respond… Honestly, I don’t know! So I wanted to post it here and give all of our amazing readers a chance to share their opinions and offer their advice. I know this subject often comes up on the Chastity Forums and there are many different stories told and suggestions offered. Please take a moment and comment if you have something to add. 🙂
Frank wrote and asked:
I have been reading your blog for about a year and have really enjoyed it. I’m a fifty something who wishes he’d learned about chastity 30 years ago. Survivor of prostate cancer who had a radical prostectomy and now can not get an erection. Sex life is almost non-existent. Married for 37 years but wife not into BDSM. She is very vanilla. Might get her to tie me up once a year. Any suggestions?
Thanks, Frank, for being a loyal reader! I appreciate your email and I wanted to respond here. This is a pretty common subject. Since I really do not have any magic words or advice as to how to get someone’s partner into BDSM or chastity… I will just tell you that the things that helped me the most were honesty, communication (the why is big for me), non-judgemental listening and most of all… Time!
For me I freaked out at first – which I know there is a post around here about it somewhere – but after months of my own reading and research and lots of communication, without feeling pressured, I was able to see that the chastity part of it all had nothing to do with hubby not wanting me or not wanting sex with me but everything to do with control and tons more sex and sexual energy between us!
So there is my “advice” if you want to call it that. I do hope that some of our readers will share their story about how they got started or brought up the subject with their partners.
I wish you luck and encourage you to continue to be open and honest with your wife.
OK, so she’ll tie you up from time to time. This means she’s not adverse to doing kink, just you haven’t found her something she likes.
The thing to do is back up and imagine – together – how it would be if ti were ancient Rome and you were her slave. What would she get if she was being totally selfish. That’s your jumping off point.
I have been considering a response for a bit to see if I can help you.
Sorry about the outcome from the treatment. That’s one of my biggest fears as I just entered my fifties.
I’m going to be presumptuous here and assume that what you desire is increased intimacy and connection with your wife, something that has probably waned over your time together and you see this as one solution. Based on my recent experience you might be right but I think your looking at what the outcome could be and not what the inputs to this are.
LadyM describes a lot of her life with CagedMonkey and what is shown here are the results of a lot of work, communication, learning and effort. This doesn’t happen overnight or without effort and in most cases requires significant changes to your behaviour, commitment and attitude to everything you think you know about this. WLM or FLR is not about kink at all although it of tends to often exist alongside it, it is not a necessary component. In my case we have a very low level of kink, almost a vanilla WLM but it does achieve the outcome of increased intimacy, closeness and rebuilds strong loving relationships.
So it’s back over to you for you do to some soul searching and clarify what it is really that you want. This will require you to search inside yourself and to read and absorb as much as you can. At the same time you need to talk to your wife about this, not that you want to be tied up, but what is the motivation or drive behind that, the ‘why’ as LadyM so elegantly puts it.
My goto resource that really helped me understand and clarify what I wanted was Uniquely Rika. Link to her site is here – msrika.net. This is not the only way but it might be a good starting point anyway. Happy to take questions, my email should be visible in this comment. Good luck and I hope you find what you are searching for. DtBHC.
DTBHC,
Thank you for your incitful thought provoking reply. You struck some chords that I need to think about. You are correct in that increased intimacy is something I desire that has been lacking.
I will consider the resource that you suggested. Thanks again.
Frank
Thanks for the reply. Happy to discuss further if you want. You can email at doingthebesthecan@gmail.com. DtBHC.
We started with ours as nothing more than just a bit of senseless fun. I bought it as a joke we laughed as we put it on only intending to use it for maybe an hour or so. We did just that but from the moment she withdrew the key we both felt a surge of sexual electricity like never before.
Skip forward a week and we had been talking about it more and more until we both admitted we liked it.
Try introducing it as a joke and let the idea grow a little. Keep it fun and not strict and initially be a little gaurded with your fantasy of male chastity but do comunicate with her, remember it can become over whelming for the ladies at first. It will either develope or live in the draw but at least you tried.
It worked for us.
Coffee