communication

All posts tagged communication

Depressed Dominant – Communicating and Working Through

Posted by Michele on March 13, 2015
Posted in: Conversations, Male Chastity, Tease/Orgasm Denial. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a Comment

Yesterday I started to feel a bit depressed and I couldn’t exactly put a finger on the specific thing that was making me feel down. I do know that it hit me quick and hit me kinda hard. One of the crappy things about being so in tune with my mental state (I’ve got way too many years of therapy to thank for that) is that I FEEL my depression kick in almost immediately. I feel my body change and my thoughts change. Yes, it’s an AWESOME thing that I can now do that because I can get right on top of it and work out the problem before I spiral out of control down into a deep hole. So, I knew something was wrong after cagedmonkey came home and asked “do you think I could get out and maybe sleep more comfortably?” For some reason that really got to me.

When I got up yesterday morning and was texting with CM on his way home from work, I was excited about maybe putting him in the bondage sack and depriving him good sleep and just tormenting him all day. It was exciting to think about all the things I wanted to do to tease him and drive him crazy. After all, I had spent the night before sending him pics and video of me getting off with my wand. It really seemed to drive him nuts.
wand
After he got home and asked me to get out in such a non-urgent way it just gave me this feeling that he wasn’t even horny. I felt like he wasn’t aching to get out and that all the teasing and stuff I’d been doing wasn’t frustrating him at all. I LOVE to see his frustration, to hear him beg, to know that what I’m doing is making him bonkers. I mentioned to him that I thought he should unlock and masturbate because he didnt seem all that submissive to me. I felt like maybe he was just bored and done playing my game. This apparently confused him because in his mind he was feeling very submissive – I just wasnt seeing it outwardly. This is where the wonderful communication in a relationship comes in.

Our conversation was through text messages because of the kids, it went like this:

CM: I’m sorry you feel as though my desire to be dominated is gone…. I don’t know what is causing these thoughts, but it’s not true…. I love being controlled by you, being kept by you, being yours and only yours all day every day…. Is it possible that you are questioning your own level of passion for this? Could it be that you are projecting – instead of me not being as submissive as you like, in fact you are not being as dominant as you want to be? Not trying to blame you, I promise, just trying to figure out what the deal is.

LM: I don’t feel like I have any loss of passion… At the moment I don’t feel submission and maybe it is my fault maybe I’m not being dominant enough, maybe I’m not intense enough… I’m just feeling inadequate.

CM: I don’t feel that’s true. I’m enjoying everything about us.
Would you like me to stop “asking out”? Is that me taking too much power from you?

LM: I don’t know what I want… I want to feel like you NEED desperately to be out and that’s why your asking and not feel like it’s a “hey yeah, I was thinking I could sleep comfortably” thing… Maybe what I need is to keep you locked up a little extended and tease you to tears. Maybe it was just that whole situation made it feel weird… Maybe I need to hear some me and you fantasies too. Not stockade, fucking machine, girlie play partner, abandonment fantasies but you and me fantasies from you. To feel like there is still this dynamic in your mind between us and that all that other stuff isn’t necessary. I dunno, I guess sometimes I feel like I’m competing with the bigger fantasies and maybe I won’t live up to those.

CM: I don’t “fantasize” about us too much because it’s already real and I love it! Maybe I’ve gotten too much into the “don’t expect anything” mentality, but I haven’t shared too much only because I don’t want to push you or affect you, etc… I was really hoping you’d follow through with your “sleep sack” idea today. It’s been a while since you’ve done any full bondage/teasing type stuff…. I didn’t want to push too hard and mention it/ask for it because that’s not what I do anymore. We’ve had a lot of “starter” moments lately – like the other day when you were stimulating pegging me on the bed, etc – but not a lot of times where we’ve actually played together. I figured you were getting back into it on your own pace, so I didn’t want to pressure you.

LM: I guess I at least want to know that you think about and desire things between us… it’s not about asking because I like that you don’t ask or push me or annoy me to do things… but telling me “oh I was thinking, last night, about that time when you tied me to the bed….” or “I dreamed about us laying together and I realized you had tied me down and you were masturbating next to me and I couldn’t move to help or touch you or even look at you” etc. Knowing that you think about me sexually, that you remember those times makes me want to recreate them or do something similar… it let’s me know that I did something good and you liked it and you want it again. It’s not you asking when you are reminiscing – even if you wrote about it on the blog – how “that one time” felt, how you loved it, what you loved, that you’d love it again… stuff like that. Being “caught up” in something we did – not obsessing but the “wow, ugh, awesomeness, frustration” and reminiscing – that’s a good word to describe it… not getting stuck in a moment or on something we did but being caught up in it just enough to show me “fuck that was awesome can we do it again?”

CM: I will try harder to find that “middle ground.”

LM: Btw we’ve had those moments but then the playtime is lost and, today… I just felt blah after this morning and my oomph for the sleep sack drifted quickly and I had this why bother feeling… like it wouldn’t matter if I did because I’m not good enough anyway.

CM: I’m sorry I haven’t been giving you what you need.

LM: I don’t think it’s that YOU haven’t been giving me what I need… I just think I’m figuring it out, right now, talking to you… that sometimes (obviously not all the time!) I need to know what I’m doing is good and appreciated and wanted and desired. Maybe I’m completely wrong and I just suck.

CM: You don’t suck, I wish you sucked more, tbh 😉
On my penis
My achy needy penis

…

Ok, ok you can see where that conversation led after that. Having that conversation actually catapulted us into an extremely frustratingly horny day. I was sopping wet all day while we were sexting and sneaking playful moments here and there when the kids were busy. It was wonderful to talk about all the naughty, playful, kinky things we do again. I’ve missed hearing how tight his cage feels or how what I’m doing is effecting him. I think we got to a point where it just felt so normal to horny all the time and he must have figured I knew he was horny, so why tell me. Well… telling me fuels me, keeps me going and makes me eager to push the intensity level. I really am just figuring this out and I’m so happy that my marriage is in a different place now. Two years ago, we’d never mention sex, let alone have a conversation about anything that was bothering one of us. We would hold on to it and let it build resentment – it was how we coped with the fear. This is SO much better and I love being in this place with my husband. I love him and where we are emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

Not Caring For Sharing: Setting Boundaries

Posted by Michele on August 22, 2014
Posted in: Male Chastity, Tease/Orgasm Denial. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . 8 comments

This journey we are on is a lot about experimenting and trying new things. Some things we find we love, some things are like eh it’s ok and still others we find are hell no’s. In all of the things we explore and try we ALWAYS have this “if anything isn’t working or feels uncomfortable,” thing where we are to say, right away, so that no one gets hurt, our play doesn’t get spoiled and we don’t have any chance for resentment.

I have very much enjoyed our play time with friends, other couples, subby boys, chaste boys etc. These play times include things like email, texting, pics and video. I’ve loved every minute of arousing other people and getting aroused and then taking it out on cagedmonkey hehe. 🙂

I suppose there comes a time when you unexpectedly run into something you had no idea was a “hell no.” Recently, over the course of about a week, we were enjoying some play time with friends and this happened to me. I started to feel off and had absolutely no idea what it was. I started to withdraw, get depressed and certainly wasn’t feeling all that horny. To make matters worse, when I get stressed, depressed or have emotional issues the first thing to happen is an extreme physical reaction. I was in some intense body pain and cried because I hurt so bad. I was having trouble walking and getting up and down the stairs and just trouble trying to function. But, here I was, dumbfounded as to why the hell this was happening to me.

Cagedmonkey knows me so well that he could tell something was wrong. He’d asked me over and over multiple times a day for a few days how I was feeling. I just answered “I’m fine.” I wasn’t lying, I thought I was fine. I mean, we were having so much fun playing with friends and enjoying some sexy sex time and all that… hell I’m the one who initiated most of the play and asked for it. It was stuff to help me tease the hell out of my locked up, denied boy. Apparently, something underneath it all was eating away at me. It’s times like those that I’m so blessed with an amazing attentive boy who is so in tune with me. He makes me so happy and I just dearly love him.

Now that I can think back to when I started to physically feel like crap, I realized it was about the time cagedmonkey had gotten into a role play situation with one of our friends. It wasn’t until last night when I had a break down and talked it out with hubby that we were able to get to the root of it. Basically we found that role play that involves cagedmonkey and a woman other than myself is something that I am not ok with. We found a “hard no” for me.

Over all this was a good thing, a learning experience. Basically with experimenting comes trial and error and I thought I was ok with anything. But, Oh boy, did I find out that, even imagining, my man with another woman was NOT something I could handle. It is something that I have now learned I need a boundary for.

See, with play stuff between cagedmonkey and I, we have boundaries and now I need to make sure that play stuff with others has boundaries as well. This whole situation is the perfect example of why communication is so important in a relationship. Not only a chastity relationship or BDSM or D/s but any relationship.

Have you asked your partner how they’re feeling today?

Why it Sucks Being an Emotionally Charged Woman

Posted by Michele on June 19, 2014
Posted in: In Real Life. Tagged: , , , , , . 4 comments

In a way men have it easy when it comes to emotions… they are simple minded and I definitely mean that as a compliment. It’s so complicated being a woman and being emotionally and hormonally driven. Women have to over-think everything and talk the hell out of something. Many times a guy just takes things as they are and goes with it and accepts it… they aren’t sitting there reading into or analyzing this, that or the other thing. It’s so annoying sometimes being a woman.

I’m guilty of this as I’m sure a few women are:
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We have to go an over think things and create stuff in our heads we’re getting upset over when there was nothing even remotely close to that to begin with. Really, he just hit a couple extra traffic lights on the way home, chill out!

Let’s think of it this way, a wife does something that hurts her husband. She realizes she was hurtful, apologizes, he accepts the apology and he never thinks of it again. Done, overwith in his mind, yay!

Now, a guy does something that hurts his wife. Remember a woman is emotionally and hormonally charged, so her husband may realize his part in it and apologize, great! Yeah it’s not over yet! A woman may continue to analyze, relive it over and over again in her head and try to figure it out. It lingers there, eating away at her unless every angle her mind is coming up with is addressed.
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So I made this analogy the other day to describe the way a wife’s mind may handle a situation. Yeah, I can get confusing sometimes but hopefully you get my point here. This comes out of my mouth much better in conversation. Ok I imagine you have an area rug over your hardwood floor. The “something” that was done is sitting there on top. An apology busts it into a bunch of pieces, yay! Now all we need to do is get a garbage bag and pick everything we can up off the rug. The mess is cleaned up, right?

NOT!

As a woman we know there are smaller bits that couldn’t get picked up by hand and they are then swept under that rug. We know, over time, that walking on that rug will eventually move those bits out from under the rug… great more of the same shit needs to be cleaned up. Some women are able to communicate that these feelings of hurt are creeping back up again to bother her and a husband can then apologize again or reassure her. Fantastic, now we’ve gotten out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up those remaining bits. Now it’s done, right?

NOT!

Now using the vacuum has sucked up those left over tiny bits that were swept under the rug but in the meantime has spread microscopic dust particles of hurt into the air. What will eventually happen over time is every so often a dust particle will land on a woman’s emotions. It will give that twinge of hurt again. So you see, that one hurt can linger for a woman until you’ve gotten out the air purifier and rid her of every single dust particle.

A hurt women will need to be told and shown, likely multiple times over a period of time, that her hubby is sorry for the same transgression. A woman will likely need to be reminded of how sorry her hubby is for that hurt. Look at it this way… if you manage to get through the vacuuming it’s a hubby’s job to then keep spraying the Endust or Pledge to keep the dust from settling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… don’t hurt your wife because it’s a hell of a lot more work and time to “apologize” than its worth. One single hurt can turn into years of this roller coaster. Some couples never make it back to the station together, they unbuckle their lap belts and just jump out. Or, if they do make it back, they hold onto those screams that should have come out on the loop-the-loop and they turn into resentment… then have you really made it back at all?

Remember, if you hurt your wife, you’ve just gotten on one hell of a roller coaster ride and because she’s worth it (or you probably wouldn’t have married her) you’ll hold on for dear life and do everything she needs to purify the air.

***please note: I’m not a professional, my ramblings do not necessarily represent every woman or situation… it’s just my opinion and experience as a woman and knowing women.

Communication in Chastity (or any Relationship!)

Posted by Michele on April 29, 2014
Posted in: Advice, Male Chastity. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 3 comments

Communication needs to be the heart of every relationship. No one can read anyone’s mind and it’s important to know and understand what your partner is thinking and feeling. The only way that will happen is to be an active, calm, open-minded listener. How we interact about issues such as time spent together or away from one another, commitment, money, health, our kids, family, friends, trust, and intimacy affects our ability to develop and maintain lasting marriages and relationships. 

We have found, since beginning this new journey, that communication is a huge part of an enforced chastity relationship. A lot of things could go wrong if you don’t take time to talk about each other’s expectations, goals and fears.

It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.

When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.

Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than talking about the current encounter and emotions involved which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.

Another important thing is to be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way. Even if it may not seem so, your partner will respect you more for it in the long run.

Avoid placing blame and attacking your partner, a nice calm conversation is what you’re looking for, not confrontation. It’s easy to address this kind of topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” When a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of a person’s survival nature. During these kinds of personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about you, your experience, what you’re thinking, and what you’re feeling. This may still impact your partner and might even hurt a bit, but it definitely increases the chances that you’ll be heard. Purposefully hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good if you have a partner who’s reluctant to have this conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep things calm, though not always less emotionally charged. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.

Be sure to fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your partner and never assume they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking. No one wants to feel misunderstood, unappreciated, disregarded or disrespected.

You’d think it would be easier to bring up a subject like sex. Sex talk is all over in our culture. There are sex tips in magazines and on talk-shows. It’s pretty rare to actually see examples of real couples discussing sex. “Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk,” says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. “You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability,” he says. No one teaches us how to actually talk about such sensitive subjects. Not just sexual subjects but any emotionally charged topics.

Early on in a relationship we are “drunk in love” and talking about sex is fun and arousing. Everything is exciting and new but in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. Sexual problems can crop up for any number of reasons. Anything from stress at work, child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging can cause issues in our intimate relationships. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing.

I think having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse is pretty common. Just try to remember that the discussion may take more than one conversation. You don’t have to figure it all out at once. It is very important to be gentle with your partner. A really great line to get your conversation started would go a little something like this… ‘I love you, and I’d like to feel more connected to you.’

Once we got through the initial conversation and got those communication floods gates opened things flowed much more easily. We continue to keep that communication very open and non-judgemental. One way we keep this level of communication going in our relationship is by using a notebook as a journal. It’s been a pretty fantastic way to bring up some of the more challenging subjects we may run into.
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Communication is something I try to encourage in any relationship. I can’t see a relationship surviving the long-term trials without strong communication.

From the Archives: Drunk Chastity Ramblings

Posted by Michele on April 13, 2014
Posted in: Male Chastity, Tease/Orgasm Denial. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a Comment

This isn’t necessarily archives because it’s from last night but it’s awesome! Cagedmonkey and I have a notebook that we use for communication and writing down our play and feelings about it. Yes we talk to each other but we also write in our book. 🙂

Last night cagedmonkey and I had a few drinks (well he had more than a few hehe). I ended up taking a snooze for a bit on the couch when I had a little upset tummy. Wine + chips & dip in my belly didn’t go too well.

Anyway, we had a fantastic night together anyway but that truly deserves it’s own post haha. This morning I woke up to a new entry in our book and it was so awesome I just had to share with you all!
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4/12/14

I got a new pen! I didn’t realize it was so dark, though, so I’ll have to write a little more carefully.

I’m drunk and you’re sleeping on the couch (hehe). So instead of waking you up with random shit, I’m writing it down. How considerate of me, yes?

So my random stuff:
1. I love you!
2. FUCK I’M HORNY.
3. I just spent some time talking to you about taking control of you, making you my slut, etc. I think I miss that. A LOT. I miss FUCKING you, like a powerful man. I would hope that in June (or whenever you decide to let me cum, this year, next year, whatever), you give me me an opportunity to taste that again.
4. What the? Am I secretly hoping that you push my denial past June? WAY further past? WTF? I want to cum so bad, but part of me wants to hear that I won’t cum again this year. I will be SOOOO happy with whatever you choose, as long as it’s what you want.
5. My lips are numb. 🙂
6. Your pussy tastes HOLY SHIT FUCKING BEST THING IN THIS UNIVERSE AMAZING.
7. I really do love you. Like fucking out of this world live you. FOR REALZ YO!

Ok, I’ll be done for now. I’ve got more drinking to do. You might hear from me later. Hopefully you can read my handwriting with this pen, and I make you smile. <3<3<3