Ooo I’m so excited! We got an email recently from one of you lovely keyholders asking some very important questions. I decided to make this another one of the famous “Mail Chastity” posts so that it could be helpful to, not only the person asking, but to the many readers and people out there on the internet looking for the same answers.
So JustUs wrote telling me about how they want to be their best (leading/keyholding) self for their partner which I think is amazing! They feel like it’s becoming a largly chaotic duty without some direction or road map or guidelines to adhere to.
To follow are a bunch of questions I pulled from the email that but the extremely short answer is: it’s your life, do it any damn way you want and no one can tell you which way is the right way – you make the rules! You make this exactly what you want it to be, the way it works for you, your partner and your kinks.
“Should we have a Chastity Contract/Agreement?”
We started out with a contract in the beginning… I don’t know that a formal written contract is necessary for everyone but what I do know is important is shared and agreed upon expectations. What I mean is that you as the keyholders and the person wearing the cage have responsibilities and it’s important that everyone understands what is expected of them from the beginning. When we started it we reviewed our contract or our agreed upon responsibilities often (once a month) as things were going well that interval got longer and longer. As we settled into our lifestyle there was really is no need for that since… It’s just life now.
“Do we need to have punishments and rewards?”
This is 100% up to you. I’m not all about rewards and punishments and stuff like that. I’m simple, follow my rules. You violate the rules, the cage comes off and we are done. I don’t play games, I don’t like bratty bullshit, I don’t find it funny. It’s perfectly fine if people like that and find it cute and want to correct and punish and like that stuff. Please, Don’t get me wrong at all! It’s just not my choice so… The answer is, you choose. Yes, you can make rules and have punishments for when they are broken and rewards for when things are followed or however you want to dole out rewards or you can skip all that. Whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled as a keyholder.
“Are we going to have daily routines or rituals, schedules?”
Rituals… That kinda reminds me of pro dommes and not a loving lifestyle marriage but that could totally be an aspect of keyholding that you want and that’s OK, again… This is what you make it. As far as routines, yes, I think routines are probably very good to have in the beginning, until things settle in and become more natural. When we started out we had a notebook and we journaled (feelings, what was working, what wasn’t or things that might be tough to say out loud) often – this was a requirement in our contract, certain phrases being spoken, always doing a certain task… Those specific things can help be a reminder and training tool to help set the lifestyle up for success… On both sides.
“I found one woman who had a spreadsheet of all her Caged Cock’s daily tasks.”
Personally, that is entirely too much work… Are you looking for a job or to enjoy your man in chastity? I could never do something like this. To me, this is meant to be enjoyable, exciting, arousing… Not work, not daunting, not something I have to sit around constantly coming up with ideas about and thinking about how I’m going to make it work for him… It needs to work for you… It’s not about him. Now if making spreadsheets is a kink of yours then by all means, open excel and go for it. Just remember, this is for your enjoyment, your pleasure, your attention. This is not for you to spend hours coming up with ideas to make it for his pleasure or even displeasure. Work together in the beginning, come back together a few times to find out what is and isn’t working and reconfigure as you need to but ultimately… This is yours to make your own and create something beautiful for you. Make him work to give you the pleasure, the arousal, the excitement.
“How will we decide when and for how long he will be in or out of the cage?”
You decide – 5 min, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years! It’s all up to you… No one can tell you the answer to this. Obviously, at first it will come down to wearablility of the cage, how you want to do this, is it a lifestyle? A weekend thing? A bedroom game? Do you want to be in control all the time? Sometimes? Have the key? Give a girlfriend the key? Offloading the decision making can take pressure off but also take away some of your control. Rolling dice to decide a length of time isn’t you deciding but some people have a hard time telling their spouse No, you can’t be unlocked. Or, you have to be locked for a certain amount of time so they let something else decide. Overall, you are still in control because you are deciding what you want to control and what you choose not to… Letting dice or a wheel spin or punishment or reward decide is still controlling and still making your keyholding and chastity journey your own.
**which BTW I don’t think your AI dice game was a waste! I think it’s great to research and find ways like that to help along the way when you might need it! Use it, whenever you feel you want to… No right or wrong – you make the rules!
“I’m sure I’m completely overthinking this. I’d love to hear any words of wisdom, advice, relatable experiences, or helpful resources that might help me get out of my head and just enjoy this new adventure.“
Yes, lol you’re totally overthinking this… But aren’t we always?? 😂
I hope somewhere in here I was able to help you out and give you some good advice! Check out Episode 3 of our podcast. It’s about praise and reassurance and it’s just me talking to other keyholders and who knows, it might be helpful! Also, the Mistress Ivey books are a great resource… Take what you can use and leave what you will… As much as I love the work she did I disagree with it being presented as the one and only way you should be doing things. There is no should… Only could, because this life is yours and your partners and it needs to be by you, for you.
Good luck to you both and please come check in with us and let us know how things are going and what things are working for you!
