Do you ever think about that old saying, “you should hang out with people who value marriage or relationships the way you do” thing?
In our lifestyle that has a lot of different meanings. It means being open minded and accepting of how other people have chosen or worked hard to make their relationships work, for them. I mean really think about it. Most people don’t grow up thinking they want to be in a relationship with two men when they are older, or swinging with other couples. I can’t think for a second of a little girl dreaming of her wedding day thinking about how she’s going to cuckold her husband on their wedding night.
We’ve all got friends and acquaintances who live all kinds of relationship structures, some very different from what we do. Vanilla, monogamous, closed, open. Some who are swingers and some that swing and are allowed to see partners individually, others who only soft swap and some who never play alone. We’ve got friends who are poly and in totally different configurations. Generally there’s no issue with the way another couple or person with multiple partners chooses to do this lifestyle. It’s their life. The only real concern is that everyone involved is safe and it’s all consensual. People are people, friends are friends. You talk about kids, work, the weather, the latest ridiculous thing someone did at the club. You hang out. You laugh. Life is great.
But then there are the ones who can’t help themselves.
You’re sitting there with another couple, in the lifestyle, and they start going on about how they could never do what you do. How it’s basically greedy. How they just “know” they’d feel taken advantage of. How they don’t get the setup… non-monogamous wife, two monogamous men… and go on and on with the “why does she get to have multiple people and they don’t? It’s not fair. One person shouldn’t get all the freedom while the others are restricted.” The little digs continue throughout the night and maybe they don’t even notice they are doing it.
Once those comments start, you start worrying about what thoughts might be going through your partners’ heads too.
What if they start thinking this isn’t enough?
What if they start feeling like the setup is unfair?
What if they need more and want more and are just being polite about feeling stifled or denied in a bad way?
How much more disappointment can they take?
Would they be happier or more fulfilled by someone else?
It’s that ugly little voice that shows up when you’ve spent too much time around people who don’t actually value the choices you’ve made for your relationship. The ones who smile while they tell you, in so many words, that your dynamic is selfish or imbalanced and unfair.
So I’m genuinely curious.
Do you still hang around those people as much? Or do you quietly start pulling away? Do you keep them at the “see you at the munch” level and protect the closer circle for people who actually get it or at least respect it even if it’s not for them?
How do you handle it when your relationship choices get dissected by someone who doesn’t live them and doesn’t understand them, and it starts making you (or your partners) second-guess whether everyone is really okay with how things are set up?
Michele
