Advice

Dominate Me, Control Me, Force Me, Fulfill MY Fantasy

Posted by Michele on February 6, 2026
Posted in: Advice, Power Exchange. Tagged: , , , . 2 comments

Most of the time Male Chastity, Female domination, BDSM and things like that are often fantasized about by a man. It’s those fantasies that get in there and grow and grow, like weeds, rooting themselves in his mind. One of the problems with a fantasy is most guys are extremely nervous about telling their partner about any fantasy, let alone ones that involve locking up their penis in a cage, tying them up, spanking them, and denying them orgasm. So they keep these fantasies to themselves as it continues to take over their mind. This inability to communicate with your partner and even your partners inability to listen can become an area of resentment in your relationship. Men can begin looking elsewhere to get this fantasy “fulfilled” even if that is just pictures on the internet (which we all know can be a slippery slope). And here’s where I gently tap you on the forehead, boys, and remind you of something important: fantasies don’t become problems because they exist… they become problems because they’re hidden. Silence is what lets those weeds take over. Silence is what turns curiosity into shame, and shame into secrecy. And secrecy? That’s the part that damages connection, not the desire itself.

Now, let’s be very clear, having interests like these does not make you broken, perverted, or “too much.” It makes you human. What does need attention is how you carry those interests into a relationship. Dumping them on your partner in a moment of panic, or worse, springing them as a surprise and hoping for the best, is not communication… it’s outsourcing your anxiety and hoping she’ll manage it for you. That rarely ends well.

Ladies, when a man gathers the courage to speak up, when his voice shakes just a little and he risks being truly seen, that moment matters. Listening does not mean agreeing. Hearing does not mean immediately saying yes. It means creating enough safety that honesty doesn’t feel like a trap. Curiosity goes a long way here. Asking why something interests him will teach you far more than reacting to the surface-level idea itself.

And boys, pay attention to this part: how you speak matters. Leading with trust, vulnerability, and respect is far more effective than leading with desperation or fantasy overload. You’re not asking for permission to exist… you’re inviting your partner into a conversation. One that unfolds slowly, with patience, reassurance, and a willingness to accept her pace, not just your own.

Healthy power dynamics are built on communication first. Not cages, or rules, or even control. Those things only work after understanding, consent, and mutual desire are already firmly in place. So breathe., use your words and listen more than you speak.

I am curious, since so many of our friends are couples (many married), would any of you be willing to share how you got started with chastity? Were there any fantasies that felt especially challenging?

I look forward to next time

Michele

My most important key

Flights, Feelings and Finding Balance

Posted by Michele on October 17, 2025
Posted in: Advice, Ethical NonMonogamy (ENM), In Real Life. Tagged: , , . 1 comment

I’m sitting on a plane right now, heading to Chicago for work. As usual, for my work trips, we try to plan them so John and I can spend Friday night and Saturday together before I have to work in the office all week. I guess I’m blessed with a boss that understands and allows the time for me to be off, too. For once, the universe smiled on us and our flights actually land within about thirty minutes of each other. Ok so… That’s not exactly true, there was a last minute drive to the airport to see if he could get on an earlier flight so I didn’t have to sit at the airport for 3 hours waiting for him. 😁😂 It was still a win and small victories like that feel extra sweet when you’re in a long-distance relationship.

For those who don’t know, CM, Me and John are in a polyamorous (or ENM: ethically non-monogamous) relationship. Cagedmonkey and I have been together for over 25 years, and my boyfriend, John, has become an important part of my life over the past three years. I am the poly one in our dynamic. Both of the guys are monogamous. It may not be how other people do it but it’s what we do and what works for us. What we have works, not because it’s easy, but because it’s intentional.

A lot of people imagine poly relationships as a free-for-all of romance and adventure, but the truth is much quieter. It’s time zones and calendars and flight schedules. It’s communication and compromise. It’s making sure everyone feels seen, valued, and loved, even when distance or daily life gets in the way.
John and I live in different states, so travel is a constant part of our relationship. He usually does most of it. He is at a point in his life where his kids are grown, he has no pets, and his life is a little more flexible than mine. I’m endlessly grateful for that, and for how much effort he puts into showing up, both literally and emotionally.

And then there’s my husband, who is so generous with his time and with me. It takes real strength and trust to share your partner, to allow love to exist in multiple directions and still feel secure in your own bond. That’s something I never take for granted. Cagedmonkey and I did enjoy a nice Date Night (more on those later) on Wednesday and some extra time together, last night, since I was leaving today. As a rare treat he even took off work to drive me to the airport. It was nice getting to hang out and drive together in the car for an hour and a half and get stuck in shitty traffic. 🤣 Making time for each other is what matters most.

Poly love isn’t about having more. It’s about giving more… more patience, more understanding, more communication. It’s learning that love isn’t a limited resource to be divided, but something that expands and deepens when it’s nurtured openly and honestly.

So while my Chicago trip might start as a work week, it’s also a reminder of how it can be an opportunity to nurture a long distance relationship we may not have otherwise had. It’s not always simple, all relationships take work… And sometimes a good flight plan! ✈️ 😁 ❤️

See you on the ground
Madam

Mail Chastity: How to Become A Good Keyholder

Posted by Michele on November 26, 2019
Posted in: Advice, KeyHolder, Mail Chastity, Male Chastity, Wife Led Marriage. Tagged: , , , , , . 2 comments

I received a message from another keyholder on chastityforums.com. She is a bit new to all this, in general, and is struggling with how to be a KH and a good one at that. So here is a bit of what she wrote and my response.

“My ‘vanilla self’ is constantly fighting with ‘the KH self’ I’m sure [my hubby] would like me to become. I’m not even sure how to make this change. Do you have any ideas to help me in my quest to transition from vanilla to a true KH in every sense of the word?”

First of all… This isn’t about you becoming something your hubby wants you to be. This is about you both enjoying this the way YOU enjoy it, whatever way that may be. Please do me a favor and don’t try to be and do things that are not natural. What you do should feel good and exciting to you. If you fake it, it will become work and then you could easily build resentment by trying to live up to his expectations… Do what you enjoy and are comfortable with. You are in charge, you hold the key, literally – he should not be in charge through you when it comes to chastity or keeping him locked etc. That is called “topping from the bottom” and that’s not ok. It is perfectly fine to communicate – if you know me at all I’m huge on communication – so talk and listen to each other. Get to know what you like, what you think you like, what you don’t like, what feels good both physically and mentally. Decide from there what YOU want to implement in your relationship.

Don’t be afraid to try things if they are not a hard No! You may like them or maybe not and you have the choice, as the one in charge, to say yes that’s good we will do that or no that felt bad or uncomfortable and we are not doing that! It’s all good. In the beginning it’s all about talking and trying and figuring out what works and feels good. Don’t be afraid to say no or change your mind either… Try hard to remember, in most situations, he is the one that asked you for this and decided to give you control. He doesn’t want to decide what happens with his sexual desires, his orgasms, his pleasure. He wants you to be in control of it all. 🙂

In regards to how to be a good keyholder, please feel free to listen to Episode 3 of our podcast. It’s about praise and reassurance and it’s just me talking to other keyholders and I think it might be helpful!

Good luck!

Product Review: Gillette Venus Silk Expert IPL

Posted by JonMustWait on August 21, 2018
Posted in: Advice, Male Chastity, Product Reviews. Tagged: , , , , . 4 comments

Very soon after I started wearing a chastity cage, ML and I made the decision to try shaving my cock and balls. At first it was a comfort decision – shaving allowed me to avoid hairs getting inadvertently plucked and/or tugged on – but we discovered that we both thought I looked pretty damn sexy shaved down there. Since then, I still shave for comfort, but also because ML likes to have me nice and smooth. Nowadays, I get itchy and uncomfortable if I go a week or so without shaving.

The only time this presents a problem is if ML is wanting to keep me locked up for a good long time. I have two choices:

1) don’t shave during the lockup, and let 2+ weeks worth of pubic hair grow in, or

2) attempt to shave around the cage

Shaving around the cage isn’t that big a problem by itself, but it gets kinda bad when the hairs begin to grow back… especially in areas where the cage usually sits. I’ve had to deal with a few ingrown hairs here and there, which wasn’t exactly pleasant. So, to avoid all of this hassle, I decided to go with a more “long term” solution to hair removal.

Now, this is going to sound kinda weird, considering I post pictures of my cock to this blog on a fairly regular basis, but I am actually really shy; I’m not really interested in going to some salon to have laser hair removal done on my balls. Instead, I looked for something that I could do at home.

Which brings us to…

The Gillette Venus Silk Expert IPL system!

Now, before I start my review, I would like to say that the instruction manual does clearly state that this product should NOT be used on the genital area… however, I did my due diligence and researched a bit and found that people have used it for just this very purpose. I also did the “test area” bit where I give it a try on a small patch of skin first, and I experienced no problems. With all of that said, I would still use caution and understand that there is some risk involved in using a product in ways other than suggested by the manufacturer.

How Does It Work?

BEHOLD, THE POWER OF SCIENCE!

Laser hair removal uses the melanin in hair to treat the follicle and prevent hair regrowth. The laser reacts with the melanin found in the hair to create heat, which actually damages the root of the hair and the follicle itself. Melanin is a pigment which makes both skin and hair darker; because of this, the laser is more effective with darker hair. Also, laser treatment cannot be performed on people with darker skin because the laser can react with the pigment in their skin (instead of the hair) and cause burns and injury.

It isn’t immediate or perfect, and it takes time for the effect to be visibly noticeable… which is why some people give bad reviews on these products, it’s due to their unreasonable expectations.

How Do You Use It?

It is actually very easy to use. The device itself has skin tone detectors on it, which can sense when the device is applied properly to the skin; if the laser window isn’t flush to the skin, it won’t activate. It works like a safety, preventing bad application of the laser. It also helps prevent skin burns from the laser – if your skin is too dark, the laser will not turn on. The Venus Silk Expert can either be used in individual spots (which is the technique I’ve been using), or a continuous technique for larger areas like your legs or chest.

Does It Hurt?

Um…. kinda, I guess? I mean, it’s nowhere near like getting a tattoo, and not even in the same universe as getting a piercing… but it’s not 100% painless. It’s sort of like touching something that’s hotter than you expect it to be, but not hot enough to seriously burn you – it stings, but it lasts for an EXTREMELY short time. It’s definitely not as bad if you are prepared for it – the first time I used it, I went to the spot right above my cock. After using the laser, I thought there was no way I’d be able to actually do it on either my cock or my balls; but once I was ready for it, I got through it fine. Overall, it really isn’t a big deal.

Does It Work?

To be fair, it’s too early too tell. Dumbass me was so excited to get started, I forgot to specifically take “before” pics, but here are a couple from a while ago where I was particularly shaggy:

Here is a pic of me now, just before doing my second week of treatment:

It’s only been a week, but it honestly does look a little better – there seems to be less hair growth, and less thickness. I have no idea how “grown out” that before pic was, but it’s not looking too bad at the moment. I’ll be posting more pics as I continure the treatments, but this is obviously a long-term project – the instruction manual says that results can sometimes take up to 12 weeks to be apparent, so it may take some time to see the full results.

Unlike waiting for my next chance to cum, I’m in no rush, lol.

Nipple Q’s

Posted by JonMustWait on July 28, 2018
Posted in: Advice, Tease/Orgasm Denial. Tagged: , , , , , , . 5 comments

It’s been about two weeks since I got my nipples pierced, and lots of people have been asking the usual questions that come along with poking a hole in your body and putting a metal bar through it. I thought it would help for those who were curious (as well as those who may be thinking about doing it themselves) to answer some of them here.

Here we go!

Did it hurt?

Uhhh…… yeah! Some dude shoved a needle through my nips, of course it hurt! I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance, so it wasn’t horrible, but other people might find it overwhelming. It’s MUCH more painful than a tattoo, but only for a quick few seconds.

The other part of this question is if they still hurt – at this point, they don’t hurt much anymore. It feels like they’ve healed up pretty well by now; except for some itching her and there, they feel completely normal. Every once in a while I’ll forget and catch one on my seat belt, but it’s like “mini toe stub” type of pain: hurts for a moment because it’s so unexpected, then goes away quick. They only really hurt when they are supposed to…

Like this.

Do your nipples stay hard now?

Yeah, they do! Before the piercings, my nipples would get pretty hard and pokey… but they wouldn’t stay that way. Now they are pretty much always some level of hard. It’s kinda like having a constant semi-hard erection – they aren’t always perky, but they aren’t as soft as they used to be either.

In response to this, I’ve started wearing some looser fitting shirts to work. I’m not embarrassed about my nipples, per se, but I’d rather avoid questions about my nips at work while I can.

Are they more sensitive now?

Holy fuck, YES!

I had sensitive nipples to start with, but now it’s just absolutely ridiculous. When ML plays with my nipples, it drives me absolutely insane now – my toes curl, I lose my balance, and I can’t stop my body from squirming. They are like buttons that when touched get my cock hard instantly, and the tingly sensation I feel when they are lightly teased hangs around for endless minutes afterwards. During sex, when ML rubs and squeezes them, I can’t help but moan loudly and I have to stop to avoid cumming inside her.

This may have been a big mistake.

ML has been saying that she’s excited to get me tied up nice and good so she can spend some time playing with her “new toys.” Today, Grandma has taken the kids overnight until Sunday afternoon. She might just get her wish…

Mail Chastity: Punishment

Posted by Michele on June 3, 2018
Posted in: Advice, Mail Chastity. Tagged: , , , , . 3 comments

D & J are a couple that read our blog. They recently sent an email asking for help with appropriate punishment. I’m extremely lucky in having a very good boy who does not push the boundaries so punishment doesn’t not come up often. It’s not something I enjoy having to do.

D & J wrote:

This weekend I have gone away for a few days, on Thursday night my cage worked itself off and I couldn’t get it back on as the key is 2.5 hrs away.
On Thursday night I edged myself once, haven’t done anything else but this is a serious infraction in our relationship.
Previous punishments have been whipping, and a few minutes with clover clamps. Extending chastity has never been a punishment as my wife has never set a time frame to extend until now.
Can you suggest an appropriate punishment please?

My suggestion for punishment may not be like others since I’m not too big into giving them. When it comes to punishment for us I take things away from Cagedmonkey, such as parts of my body, pleasing me or even playing video games. There have been times where I took away chastity and any attention to his penis. Those things really are punishment for him because he enjoys our play and taking that away is really the best way to keep him in line. I don’t really use spanking, etc for punishment as that is more “funishment.”

So the reason for this post is to ask our readers what their suggestions would be in this situation for punishment. What have you or your Mistress done as punishment in this situation? If you haven’t been in this situation, what would you do? What do you feel is an appropriate punishment for edging without permission?

Please comment here in the comment section so D & J can read your responses!! Thanks 🙂

Mail Chastity: How to be a Good Submissive

Posted by Michele on May 24, 2018
Posted in: Advice, Mail Chastity. Tagged: , , , , , . 3 comments

Not too long ago I got asked this question and while I get asked questions frequently, I wanted to put this particular question in its own Mail Chastity post. It’s such a loaded question and it will take much more than a paragraph to answer. As a matter of fact I could do a whole podcast on this question alone. So anyway, here is what I was asked:

“Good morning Lady M! …what makes a good submissive. I am curious as to your personal opion.“

I have many opinions on what makes a good submissive but the super short, honest answer is – being what your Dominant wants.

That answer is also so incredibly vague! No one, absolutely no one can tell you how to be a good sub. The reason I say that is because every single Dom is their own person and every single sub is their own. They all have wants, needs and desires. The ultimate in being a good Dom or sub is having a Dom or sub that compliments your needs, wants and desires. What it takes to be a good sub is getting to know the person you want to be submissive to. Making sure you know what they want and expect out of a submissive. Once you know that and have learned those boundaries then you know exactly how to be a good sub. It takes work and communication, on both sides, to really understand what the other would consider good.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. I am a very loving, mothering Domme. I am also a very service driven Domme. I enjoy being in control and taking care of people. I like being the one to dictate how Cagedmonkey’s day will be, making his lunch and helping him know what to expect from his day. I also get extremely fulfilled by someone doing things for me, without my asking (most of the time), because they thought of me and wanted to make things easier or less for me. You know those times when CM will be home from work and do dishes or clean and vacuum the living room because he just knows I’m at work too and it will be helpful and make less for me to do when I get home… Those things, in my eyes, make him a good submissive husband. However, that’s only one side of being “good.” I also love that CM is exactly what I need sexually. When I’m feeling hardcore, rough and aggressive, I love that he can take what I am needing to give. When I’m feeling loving and cuddly, I love that he can hold me and love me and be that for me. When I want to be pleased sexually, CM is there to please me how I need it. Whether that’s eating my pussy, making me cum, or just being my sex toy to hump and play with. Those things make him a good sub for me.

What makes him good for me, though, may not be good for someone else. Someone else may want certain rituals daily, tasks that must be completed, hard rules that must be followed or there will be punishment. There are also subs out there that have that need. Strict rules to follow with punishment if they are not. Following those rules and taking that punishment would be what makes them a good submissive.

Basically, what I’m saying is… It takes getting to know someone and communicating to find out what will make you a good sub. I hope, in some way, for some one, this was helpful. There is no one way, no right or wrong way. The whole thing comes down to what works in the relationship and in the dynamic.

Mail Chastity: Chastity Changes

Posted by JonMustWait on November 26, 2017
Posted in: Advice, Male Chastity. Tagged: , , , , , . 1 comment

After my most recent post, many people commented and had questions about my experience. One of our Twitter followers had an interesting question.

Puppy Lix asked:

Have you noticed any changes to your cock in long term chastity?

Most of the time, this question is really asking, “Does chastity make your cock shrink?” I’m pretty sure that my cock still fills up ML’s pussy nice and good, but you’d have to ask her to be certain. 😉

But I’m not sure if Puppy Lix means this specifically, so I will mention the few minor “changes” that I notice after a long term chastity stint.

1) Skin elasticity: I do notice that I can feel the stretch of my skin for the first couple of days after being unlocked; it feels almost like a soreness in my skin. It’s not as strong of a feeling that I used to get, but it’s still there.

2) Sensitivity: my cock is VERY sensitive to the touch for the first few days after. Even during my shower, my legs were getting kinda wobbly from the feeling of being touched… and I wasn’t even doing anything sexual!

3) “Injuries”: No, they aren’t anything major, but sometimes things happen. The most common thing that happens to be is either tiny cracks in my skin (probably due to the loss of skin elasticity), or skin irritations (in places where the cage has been in contact with my skin for prolonged periods). If left unchecked, they could get serious, but they are easy to deal with.

The good thing is that none of these “changes” are permanent – they all go away within a few days, or a week at most. So I would have to honestly say yes, there are changes that happen during long term chastity… but the changes last less than the chastity itself did.

Mail Chastity: Fit & Feel

Posted by JonMustWait on August 14, 2017
Posted in: Advice, Mail Chastity, Male Chastity. Tagged: , , , . 8 comments

Girltoy wrote us the following email:

On the photos I have seen, cagemonkey is wearing the same cage as I do. Mine fits perfectly and it feels very good wearing it.

But the cage is slowly sliding down…

…I never have pain, the balls are never blue. But it looks silly when only half the cock is wrapped by the tube and the cage is hanging on the limp cock like a bell. 😉

Do you have any suggestions?

I find I have the same problem from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if having a base ring just the tiniest bit smaller would cut down on these types of things (and, incidentally, cut down on the amount of “rooty-ness” I experience). The problem is that if I were to get a smaller ring, my balls wouldn’t be able to squeeze through, even when they aren’t swollen and filled with weeks worth of cum… trust me, I’ve tried.

My suggestion would be the simplest solution of all: don’t worry about it.

If your cage fits well and feels comfortable, you don’t really have to change anything at all. You don’t want to mess with a good thing, and it’s hard enough to get your cage fitted well as yours is. When it comes down to it, looks are a luxury but comfort is a necessity.

In fact, here’s a little behind-the-scenes secret: my cage slips down often, just like yours does. I just make it look good for pictures. Check out these pictures that I took just seconds apart:

At any given moment of the day, my cage could be nice and snug or hanging a few inches down low. I just make sure to adjust myself if I’m going to take a picture. 

So my suggestion is to just keep going with what you got. As long as the cage isn’t slipping off, and not causing and pain or skin irritations, I’d say that you’re good to go!

How Can I Find Other Kinky People, Too?

Posted by Michele on July 1, 2017
Posted in: Advice, Off Topic. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

We’ve written before about how we live a certain lifestyle and it’s not always easy meeting other people who are like minded. I mean you can’t just walk up to someone at church and be like “Hey, are you a kinky fucker, too?” Though that would be kind of funny, it would also be totally inappropriate in that situation. It’s not like people walk around wearing at T-shirt advertising their style of kink like they would their favorite sports team. Being kinky or living an alternative lifestyle, such as having an open Relationship or enjoying others together in your relationship isn’t something you can generally bring up in just any conversation.

So… How CAN you find other people who are into something not so mainstream? There are a few different ways to do this. Recently, cagedmonkey and I were introduced to a website called SwingTowns.com and it’s definitely a place where you can meet real, local people in your area for free, who are into kink and other fetish-type things. It seems like such a wonderful place for kinksters. If you are a Mistress or Master seeking a slave or vice versa, this is the place for you. Their Fetish community is full of open-minded singles, couples and groups. You’ll find men and women looking for erotic BDSM, bondage and fetish play (in addition to the submissive and Domme roles). Not only is it a site to meet other kinky fuckers, they also have a great blog with awesome information-filled articles. The articles cover so many different subjects and if you check it out you’ll notice some pretty popular bloggers who contribute. (Wink, wink) Now, there is always Fetlife, or collarspace, or even the BDSM reddits but one of the best ways is to just get out there and met people at your local munch.

Just today, I was asked how we get so lucky meeting all these new kinky friends and play partners. Really, we aren’t lucky! We’ve just gone to munches and met people, in real life, who we can talk about the everyday stuff with or have over hanging out on the back patio while teaching a newbie how to use a paddle the correct way. Sometimes it takes breaking out of that comfort zone and just facing your fears… What are you afraid anyway?