The other day I wrote about how I was taking a break from setting a “Maybe Day” for cagedmonkey. I got quite a few comments on the post, all of them kind of referring to the same thing, so I thought I should clarify a few things. I don’t want there to be any mistake about who is in control at any point in our relationship. However, a relationship is about two people and you need to do the things that work for each person so that emotionally and physically there is fulfillment.
Let’s back up some and get a little more personal. Cagedmonkey has allowed me to explain a few things about his childhood so you all understand him a little more. When hubby was a child his mom was very much a “don’t rock the boat” type person and he was more on the high strung side. As a way to avoid confrontation (or hubby having a temper tantrum lol) his mother would say things like “maybe later” or “we’ll see” never really giving him a straight answer. She didn’t want to be the one to tell him “No,” because he might get upset. It was sort of drilled into him that those “maybe’s” and “we’ll see’s” always meant no. Cagedmonkey is also the type of guy that needs to know that SOMETHING is definitely going to happen or not happen and SOME kind of time frame that it is going to happen or not happen in. Even if that time frame is “Yes, you WILL cum 3 more times in 2015” that gives him something to depend on. Whether or not he cums 9 times or only the 3 he has something to hold on to. He was pushed off by his mother and it felt like he was lied to so much as a child as a way to appease him that now as an adult he really does need to have something he can count on to ease his anxiety.
So, as I said, I got a few comments on my last post, like this one from one of my favorite ladies…
Mistress Marie said:
I love that you are changing this as this is how it really should be, you in full control with CM being clueless to know what your thoughts are on when he will cum. I think this is great because any day can be maybe day this way and he will never know.
I wanted to make sure that I addressed these comments because they make it seem like giving Cagedmonkey a “maybe day” is somehow taking away my control. This is entirely not true. I am in full control of his orgasms and sexual pleasure and I can give him and orgasm or not whenever and however I please. He is always clueless as to when I may make him cum. Heck, sometimes I’m clueless because it might creep up on me that I want him to! 🙂 Just because he has a maybe day does not mean I am stuck denying him until a certain date. I could give him a maybe date of July 4th and make him cum 5 mins later. The maybe day is a comforting thing for his anxiety and can be a challenge for me and him at times too. Our last maybe date was set out at 6 months from his last orgasm. I wanted to try to push him (and myself) to 6 months of denial. I obviously didnt make it but that was MY choice because, after all, I am in control and I made the decision to allow him to cum – which was more for my pleasure than his. I didnt do it for him, I did it because I missed feeling him explode inside me. I missed feeling his body as he was cumming. I missed seeing his face and watching him enjoy that orgasm.
Since I told Cagedmonkey about needing the break he’s been very anxious, asking a lot of questions, making sure I’m not just pushing him off. He really was having trouble with the way things were up in the air. He really needs something solid to hold on to to function properly. I love that I know this about my hubby and while I did the up in the air thing on purpose to test out if he could handle it, I found a way to help him emotionally while leaving me to not deal with a maybe date. In other words, I found a loop hole of sorts to ease his anxiety. lol
I have decided instead of a maybe day where I’m trying to deny him until a certain date or time frame that I would simply give him an idea of what to expect for the time being. I explained to him that he could expect to be locked everyday, especially on his work days. He could expect to be denied but likely not more than a week or two and if I was enjoying myself and felt it would go longer I would tell him. He could also expect to be teased and tormented daily. I certainly do enjoy the build up of horny and I love that week to ten day point where it is at a high. That’s why at the moment his denial probably wouldn’t be much past that. I also told him he could fully expect that I could unlock him, use him and make him cum at any time during any of this. This seemed to go over very well and he seems to be much more calm about things and had stopped obsessing over when and how long, etc. Of course, this really is how it is EVERY day but it seemed to REALLY help to have me actually say the words and explain it out right to him. All of those things have been understood since we started all this but I think hearing them and seeing them written helped to give him that thing he needs to depend on and hold on to. He knows that I wont just tell him “we’ll see” and then not having something happen one way or the other. Cagedmonkey is just not that guy when we’re having sex and he asks “please may I cum, ma’am?” who can be told “maybe, baby.” He really needs a “yes, but not right now” or a “No, not tonight” answer.
I hope this helps clarify why we need to have a maybe day. Even if it kind of has no meaning (unless we are using it as a challenge for both of us) because, I control everything about his sexual pleasure anyway, it helps him mentally to know I’m not going to flake out on him like his mom would often do.
Now that you explain it that way it makes a lot more sense why you two have historically had the maybe day. I never totally got it because if you could make him cum or not depending on your mood I never got why there had to be a maybe day LOL. Maybe through this period of time without one but in giving him clear expectations of him you will be able to ease some of the anxiety in a way that perhaps down the line he won’t need the comfort of a maybe day. It still has been a relatively short period of time since you two worked on saving your marriage, about 2 years, but compared to 15 together that is still short, so perhaps as time goes on and things remain strong and good between you two that will also ease some anxiety that you both still carry around from previous times when things were not as good!
Exactly! At some point I’m hoping he can work through those childhood hurts but all of that takes time and it doesn’t bother me to give him what he needs. I need certain things too that some might find annoying but he gives me what I need… It’s one of the many reasons we are so perfect together! 🙂
I must admit that “as it should be” always makes me bristle. Your relationship is not my relationship is not … Forgive me the heresy, but really what counts is the mutual pleasure and benefit the two of you derive from your relationship, which evolves as all long-term relationships do. Six months sounded like a great idea — until you felt a greater need to feel him cum inside you. So what?
Let’s imagine that CM had said to you, “I thought I could do this, but it’s really harming how I can’t.” Not that it was too difficult, that it was harming the marriage. Would it be “wrong” to change the terms? Your dynamic is important, your marriage is important. The particulars are your particulars and your priorities are your priorities.
End of sermon.
Al, great comment! Yes I’m a huge “what’s works for you and yours isn’t necessarily what works for me and mine” supporter. What works for one relationship may not work for another. Not that Mistress Marie meant our relationship needed to be like someone else’s (she was referring to my control being how it should be and I agree!) because no two relationships will ever look the same.
When I am mentoring a wife/keyholder, often times they will ask how they should do something… I remind them to do it how they want and how it works for the both of them.
Thanks for the comment!