Advice

A friend of My Lady – who doesn’t happen to know about this blog – was chatting with her about male chastity. How the subject came up without mention of the blog is a mystery, but she asked her a few questions that I thought it might be helpful to answer here. And if ML’s friend happens upon this blog, thanks for the post material!

ML’s friend wants to introduce male chastity into her marriage. She wanted to have an idea of what to expect from certain aspects of chastity. She writes:

Going months without an orgasm – is that healthy?

First, I’m going to be a stickler for terms. There is absolutely no danger for a male to go any amount of time without an orgasm. Ejaculation is a different story: there is some evidence that frequent ejaculation decreases the probability of prostate illness, however there is also evidence that regular ejaculations increase prostate disease. When it comes down to it, nobody really knows. If you are interested in the “better safe than sorry” approach, there are ways to have a male ejaculate without a full orgasm (milking, ruined orgasms, etc.).

What effect does that have on him?

Long story short, it makes him fucking horny as hell. The male body craves orgasm constantly – it goes back to the primal urge to reproduce. The longer he goes without an orgasm, the more he’ll need it. Over time, he will recognize his keyholder (that would be you) as the source of his pleasure, and he will develop a submissive instinct and try to keep you pleased as a result of this. Some people have said that the increase in intensity of this reaction tapers off after a few months. I call BS on that. 🙂 Thanks to ML’s constant teasing, I’m still feeling that need to cum grow and grow every day.

How does a keyholder stay stasified without sex?

There are ways for a man to satisfy his woman other than with his cock! Tongue, fingers… there are many options. The most important thing is to redefine your idea of “sex.” For ML and I, we end up having sex all day long – for us, those hugs and kisses and loving touches are all part of us having sex.

With that said, I understand the desire ML has for a nice hard cock deep in her pussy. When she wants this, we have toys that we can use to satisfy this need. But sometimes, she just needs to feel my flesh. In that case, she unlocks me and uses my cock but doesn’t allow me to cum.

There are plenty of ways for you to get yours without letting him get his. 🙂

Mail Chastity has become a very popular subject on the blog. We’ve gotten lots of questions, either through email or Twitter, and we plan on doing more of these posts in the future. We could always use more questions to answer, though, so don’t hesitate to ask us anything!

What is a cocktease?

(n.) A Cock Tease is a woman who, from the male perspective, acts in a sexual manner with the intention of seducing a man, but without actually fulfilling the expected sexual actions.

(V.) To purposely become enticing to a male to the point of giving him a hardon, or in most cruel cases, blue balls, with no intention of follow through.

While looked at as a bad thing by some men, this is hot and exciting to those who realize the build up to orgasm is the best part of the sexual experience.

Being a cock tease comes naturally to me. I have always loved the act of seducing a man, the lead in, that build up of sexual tension. I have always been fantastic at it. It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s a major turn on and a huge ego booster knowing that I can turn a guy on and get his cock rock hard. It’s especially hot if I can do that with my words or how I look or act. Turning a guy on and getting him hard to the point of frustration without even touching him really makes me feel powerful and in those moments, I am. I have complete control over the guy who is dangling from my sexual marionette strings. So, yes, I LOVE being a cocktease. <3

Now that I am married to a sweet, sexy submissive man who thrives on tease and orgasm denial, I get to live in that adrenaline rush from teasing a guy past the point of frustration. I get to enjoy that wonderful place of submission, that place where he is a puppet on my strings… waiting, wanting and needing me. That place where he craves me in every way, desires my attention and begs for my touch.

Having my man in chastity heightens that whole cocktease scenario. Locking your man’s cock in a cage holds that level of frustration, it keeps that feeling of arousal at a high without the let down of an orgasm. I love that I tease my husband all day, every day and keep him at the highest height of arousal possible. I know every woman out there loves when her guy is attentive, loving and romantic. When her guy is in that spot at the beginning of a relationship where he is constantly wooing her, telling her how he feels about her, how he loves her, how he wants her and how she turns him on. You know what I’m talking about, all those things a guy does just to get in your pants. It’s those things that make us women fall in love with you and desire you. Sure there are other things but, come on, you know when you are attentive and romantic to your Lady she wants you more sexually. The more a man caresses a woman emotionally, the more desire she has for him sexually.

The reason I wanted to write this post was because last night after cagedmonkey left for work I sat… alone… completely losing my horny feelings. My pussy just wasn’t all that wet anymore and my smile faded and so did those good feelings of being wanted and desired. My constant feelings of arousal were dissipating. I woke up this morning feeling disappointed because I wasn’t feeling that crazy horny feeling anymore.

I will say that I started to tingle when I got that morning text message:

Hey baby 🙂
How are you on this lovely lovely wonderful most awesomest morning, my sweet sensational love?

Eeeeeee! It only got better when the first thing that happened when he walked in the door was him stopping mid sentence to say:

Oh my God you look beautiful this morning.

Without another word or even putting his stuff down, he came over to me, put his hand around the back of my neck and kissed me as I was trying to tell him welcome home.

Seriously? Uhhhhhhhgh! That was that, my pussy got that warm tingly feeling inside and I knew I was instantly getting wet. I realized that my constant horny, crazy, neediness is fueled by my husband. It’s catapulted into the air and soars when I am with him. When he is stroking my emotions, petting them gently, he is causing a physical reaction in me. I love it more than I could possibly explain in words.

Boys, I can’t say it enough… never, never ever ever stop “dating” your Lady. Don’t ever, ever ever ever, stop “trying to get in her pants” – EMOTIONALLY! She will think you’re irresistible! She will want you, desire youand want to please you sexually more often.

I’ve been wearing the modified Revenge 24/7 for the past couple of days now. It’s much more comfortable than it was before we had it adjusted, most likely due to the rounding of the lip of the tube part of the cage. That, plus the fact that My Lady is really enjoying the integrated lock feature, and it seems that the adjustment is a big hit.

One thing that ML and I have been having trouble perfecting  – with all of our chastity cages, not just the Revenge – is the base ring. By “perfecting” I mean exactly that; the rings we have are very comfortable and useable for extended lockup periods, but they could be just a tad more comfortable. Then again, I have a steel ring locked around my junk, maybe it’s not supposed to be perfectly comfortable.

I began thinking about this because of a small switch ML made with the Revenge tonight – she switched the anatomical base ring with the regular straight one. I had been experiencing some discomfort which I attributed to slight shaving irritation, but ML wanted to see if the ring was the cause. Lo and behold, the cage is much more comfortable tonight than it has been with the curved ring! This could simply be my mind playing a placebo trick on me, but I’m not sure. Maybe the round ring is a better fit for me; it makes me wonder if we should try out a round ring with the Jailbird instead of the oval one we are currently using.

The other thing about getting my ring right, and this is something we’ve known about, is that I really could use a slightly smaller ring diameter. Both the J and Revenge have a tendency to “hang low” on my balls and look like it’s going to slide off the end of my cock (I wish). It’s not really all that bad, but it is noticable. You see, I have a stretchy sac and low hanging balls, which makes the diameter around them much smaller than you average guy. But the problem is that, while my balls are low hangers, they are also pretty damn big. So big, in fact, that if we were to get a smaller ring, I wouldn’t be able to squeeze them through the hole in the ring! Trust me, I’ve tried… with painful results. Also not that this is without taking into account my balls swelling with backed up cum after being denied orgasm for months on end.

The only real way for me to have a proper fitting ring that I can actually get my junk into is to get a hinged ring, and ML and I are not big fans of that idea. There’s just too many moving parts and places for sensitve skin to be pinched for my liking!

So, other than the remote possibility of having the JB fitted with a circle ring instead of oval, we are probably going to stick with what we have. The cages are more than capable of accomplishing the goal of giving My Lady completee control of my erections and orgasms. Also, a better fit might deny My Lady of her precious “rooty” that she has come to love so much… and has used to make herself cum so much, as well!

image

Pic borrowed from socyberty.com - so sexy


Sorry to the guys but this is something I need to say to my Lady friends (and to you guys). There are a lot of misconceptions about a woman’s period. A lot of women think it’s gross and dirty and that there is no way they can have sex during it. Ok maybe some guys think it’s gross and dirty too. I just feel a need to let all the ladies in on a secret. Ok maybe not a total secret…

There has actually been a lot of research about it and you can go do your web search if you want but having sex and/or having orgasms during your menstrual cycle is a fantastic idea. Ok so, if you’re like me, those first few heavy days you might not want to but after that I suggest you make that man of yours give you lots of orgasms. Or tie him up and make him watch you masturbate. 🙂 I have to say that “magic wand” works like a charm through a maxi pad to give you a pretty damn good orgasm.

I normally have a kind of heavy few days and a long period (like 8 days!) BUT the months where I am having multiple orgasms I pretty much have no cramps and my cycle length shortens by days! I know all of you ladies totally understand wanting your cycle to be shorter. I’m sure the painful cramps are on your list of “guys have it easier because…” and well, who wouldn’t want to ease those?

In the past three days, I have used cagedmonkey to have many orgasms. During this cycle I have had minimal cramps and besides the heavy stuff the first 36 hours it’s been much lighter flow. I decided to let my horny flow and just go with it. I don’t get undressed, don’t need to get anything prepared or worry about mess. I just rub on him and give myself an orgasm. It’s been a very dominating kind of few days when I call him into the bedroom and push him favorite on the bed, straddle his ass and grind my pussy on him until I cum good. As a matter of fact, I’m sitting here getting all tingly down below thinking about it right now! I wish I was home because I’d go in the bedroom and lock the door and lay next to him, making him watch me give myself a nice big orgasm.

Anyway ladies, there is never a need to “take a break” just because you get your cycle. Take that time to force your guy to watch you get off over and over… I mean it’s almost a necessary thing to help ease your menstrual discomfort, isn’t it? And I’m going to take a guess – not sure there has been actual research on it but – that having multiple orgasms and the chemical release during those orgasms would likely help with your PMS and your mood/depression etc. See, guys and gals, it’s all in your best interest to orgasm frequently, especially during menstruation. 😉

It seemed like a good idea. Ok, maybe not a GOOD idea, but definitely and interesting one.

My Lady and I were looking forward to spending the night together, as she has had a craving to give me an intense teasing and I have been craving any and all attention she will give me. But before the festivities began, I need to give myself a little grooming. After I finished, ML looked at me sitting there and instructed me to stroke myself.

It felt so nice to play with my cock, and I got turned on very quickly. It wasn’t long before I was squirming on the edge of orgasm. Then ML had what seemed like a fun idea at the time, something we had talked about before and we were eager to try:

“Why don’t you lube your cock up with some of that Orajel to get yourself numb so I can use that cock?”

(For those who don’t know – and I’m not sure how you wouldn’t know, but just in case – Orajel is a numbing gel used to block the pain of a toothache)

Sounds fun in theory – ML gets to ride my cock and use it in any way she desires, while I’m stuck with a numb cock unable to feel any pleasure. So I grabbed a glove and began to apply the Orajel to the shaft of my cock. After a few minutes of rubbing in the gel, I took a moment to wash it off before ML had her way with me – neither of us wanted her to have a numb pussy!

I decided to be on top in order to test the effectiveness of the Orajel. It only took a few strokes for me to realize that it was working… but only a few strokes more to find out it wasn’t working as well as we’d hoped. I was still on the edge of orgasm within moments. In order to properly please My Lady, I withdrew and licked her pussy to a couple of nice orgasms… after which I noticed my tongue and lips were a little tingly. I guess I didn’t wash off all of the gel!

So ML and I headed to the bedroom for some more fun. She cuffed my wrists to the bed and reached down to play with my cock… my only slightly semi-hard cock.

Huh?

She was rubbing my cock, tickling and teasing it with her fingertips, and it felt great… but I wasn’t getting hard. WTF? I’m not sure if it was the Orajel, or the result the exhaustion of a very long day of lugging packed boxes around, or a combination of the two… but it just wasn’t happening.

Thankfully, ML doesn’t take it personally anymore when that happens (as rare as it does). But I’m pretty sure we won’t be trying out any “numbing agents” from now on. If My Lady wants a good hard fuck while I’m being denied, we always have the strapon and “Adam” to give her when she needs.

There seems to be one particular subject that is gripping the minds of many of the followers out there.

Melly’shubby writes:

I’m interested in trying to get my wife to squirt. Could you describe how you do it?

Kiwi writes:

Your bride complemented you on your squirting stimulation technique. Do you have any pointers for a newbie?

Ah, yes, the magical squirting pussy. It really is an amazing sight, especially the first time it happens for you. First off, a little technical knowledge:

To all the naysayers out there, I say to you with a loudly tuned bullhorn – female ejaculate is not urine! Believe it or not, there have been serious medical studies performed that prove this. My Lady and I are under the impression that almost every woman has the capacity to squirt, they just need to be open to the idea. ML has mentioned to me that, before squirting became a thing for us, that she would sometimes feel the urge to pee during an orgasm. She would hold it in, because who wants to get pissed on during sex, right? Okay, maybe some people do, but that’s a subject for a whole different post. Turns out that is wasn’t an urge to pee, it was an urge to release her juices.

The two most important things to remember when attempting to “make it rain” as it were, are:

1) relaxation – the woman needs be completely relaxed. She also needs to know that no matter what happens you are going to be cool with it, not turned off or grossed out. It’s a lot like anal sex, now that I think about it.  🙂

2) practice – although it took some trial and error to get there, I can pretty much make ML squirt on command. 🙂 Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work 100% of the time right out of the gate.

Before I explain my technique, I want to make it clear that I am not some all-knowing, squirt master guru. I only know what I know, and I know that this technique works for us. You may find a better way that works for you. If so, go with that. I’m not writing up instructions on how to build an IKEA cabinet here.  🙂

The first time my wife squirted, I was playing with her pussy and for some unexplained reason, I decided to try to go for it make it happen. I was aware of the possibility of squirting and knew the fact that it wasn’t urine but something else entirely – I honestly don’t know what it is, but I don’t care really.  🙂  So, while I was doing it and I could feel her pussy reacting (I will explain the technique I use later, but it involves paying attention to how the woman’s vagina is squeezing), I kept telling her things like “it’s okay, baby” and “just let it go” and “just let it happen.” Basically, I didn’t want her to be shy and pull back, I wanted her to let loose. And she did! I made her squirt twice that time, and we both were amazed at how much she soaked the carpet! Since that first time, we’ve learned some stuff and now it’s very easy for me to make it happen. Often times she will be squirting within seconds of me starting! It’s pretty awesome.

Ok, now for the important stuff – how to make it happen. I find it works best when using 1 finger only, I use my middle finger most often, but any one you are comfortable with would work. You aren’t looking for depth here, you are looking for precision. Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT want to aim for the G-spot; the G-spot is actually too far in. You need to back out just the tiniest bit to hit the correct spot. To visualize the exact location, you are pretty much aiming for where the woman’s clitoris would be if it went straight through into her vagina. Once you are at the proper spot, you want to curl your finger towards yourself (assuming the woman is facing you). This is commonly referred to as the “come hither” motion. I would rather call it the “come hither” position – a small distinction, but very important, as you will see.

Another misconception is that once you find the spot, you should start thrusting or rubbing against the target spot in the vagina. This may work from time to time, but I have found a technique that is much more reliable. Imagine that your middle finger is placed where it needs to be, curled slightly inside the vagina, pressing against the inner front wall. Your palm should be resting pretty much flat against her pussy. The motion you need is to move you hand back and forth at the elbow and forearm, you should hold your wrist in its position. To get the motion right, try to focus on rubbing her clit with the heel of your palm while your finger stays in the right spot inside her.

After a while, you will be able to feel the walls of your woman’s vagina start squeezing you finger. She may also be moaning quite a bit by now.  🙂  When you start to feel the squeezing, you need to add the slightest bit of upward motion to your hand movement. Press just a little harder on her pussy when you are moving back and less when you move forward, almost moving your hand in a slight oval. You will feel your wife’s pussy begin to contract even more, it may even feel as if the walls are pushing against your finger in waves. This is good. When you feel this, keep the hand motion up, but use your finger to massage the walls that are squeezing against you (you will most likely have to move upwards a little more, to where the G-spot actually is). Keep pushing as the walls push back. Soon (hopefully), you’ll feel a warm, wet liquid flow over your palm. Success!  🙂

My Lady and I have found that she tends to squirt more when she can use the muscles in her thighs to push. For example, it is easier to make her squirt when she is standing up or squatting (over my face, usually), than when she is lying down. However, she has been learning how to squeeze just the right way while laying down to get a nice spray going; the distance she squirts often surprises me! Also, make sure you prepare for “the worst” when trying this out – double layer some towels underneath her. My Lady has soaked the couch/carpet/mattress many times because we thought that one towel would be enough! Just something to think about.

Hopefully this technique will work for you, and pretty soon the comments section will be filled with stories from readers who have soaked themselves silly with pussy juices. Just don’t come after me looking to take care of your laundry bill!

Good luck!

In my last post about our progression play I mentioned the need to use a certain technique to make sure I didn’t accidentally push cagedmonkey over the edge. Aside from the regular stroking we all know so well, I have a few techniques I use when teasing my hubby’s cock that keep him teetering on the edge of orgasm. I just love to see the frustration on his face and hear it in his moans.

Mistress Red commented on my last post with a fantastic question and wanted more info on the techniques I use. So darling Mistress this post is for you. And yes, these are my silly names!

Up Stroke: This technique has proven to be fantastic. Don’t ask me why it works but it really does. You really do exactly what the name says you stroke the cock in an up motion only. I place one hand at the base of his cock between my index and middle fingers just to hold it stable. Then I use my other hand to grab near the base and stroke up to the head. Once you get to the end you release your grip so there is no down stroke. Back down to the base, grasp and stroke up. I repeat this over and over as long as I like. I’ve gotten pretty fast at it but it takes time to get used to so you accidentally give them both strokes. For some reason the Up Stroke just gives them enough to get them to the edge but usually not enough to push them over.

Palm Trick: I’ve explained this before in a couple earlier posts as this is one of my favorites. It’s just so easy and really causes a ton of wriggling! I put a small amount of lube (even precum works!) in the center of my palm and create a small cup and place it right over the end of his penis. I then twist my wrist in a circular motion never removing my hand from the head of his cock. This is another one that could go on for a long time. It’s not tiring to me but it’s practically torture for him.

2 to Tango: This one is not as easy and I don’t use it as often because you can easily lose track and push a guy past the point of no return… then you just end up having to ruin an orgasm haha. It’s really just my thumb and index fingers on the sides of his cock, stroking him. The hard part is that you’re still giving the up and down stroke so it can be easy to miss a signal. This one is fantastic mixed with the Up Stroke… so I guess that would make it the “2 Fingered Up Stroke!”

All Balls: This is pretty simple and the name kind of says it all. I get a decent amount of lube in the palm of my hand and cup the sack. Then I massage his balls and gently squeeze them over and over. For me, I like to keep it slow, soft and gentle. This doesn’t so much keep them on the edge of cumming but it’s so pleasurable… for awhile… then it becomes very frustrating. I’ve found the best way to perform this is while your guy is in an “on all fours” position. This is also an awesome way to help milk your guy and get some great precum dripping.

So those are a few of my favorite techniques to tease a cock. I do want to say that most take time to get real good at sho you may need to keep a good line of communication going until you’ve perfected your favorites.

Mistress Red, I hope this answers your question and gives you some new ideas on how to tease and deny your sub.

***Warning***
None of these are guarantees so please pay close attention to your guy for the signs and signals of him hitting his point of no return. If you do take it to far your best bet is to either completely get your hand away asap or squeeze off the tube near the base of his cock so that no cum can get up and out. These ideas will cause a ruined orgasm at best.

My mind is ultra-creative. I get TONS of ideas. And, being the incredibly horny guy that I am, I have lots of sexual fantasies.

Part of the chastity agreement that My Lady and I developed involves the requirement that I share all of my sexual fantasies with her. A problem arises, however, because a lot of my current fantasies involve ways that ML would dominate/tease/deny me. How am I supposed to explain these desires of mine without making ML feel obligated to fulfill them?

The dreaded “Topping From the Bottom” dilemma.

I used to be very concerned that my fantasies and ideas would influence ML’s dominating behaviors. And with good reason, apparently: ML has confessed to me that early in our chastity adventures, she would sometimes alter her plans for me based on what she thought I wanted or what she thought I could handle. This is the opposite of what makes chastity so exciting for me. Although I would like her to tease me in certain ways, the best thing would be for her to do what she wishes, without concern for my desires.

But still… those ideas…   🙂

We’ve since figured it a way for me to share my fantasies without me influencing what ML does. Now I tell her about my fantasies with absolutely no expectations of them being fulfilled, and she sees these fantasies as options she can choose from or ignore as she chooses. It’s just like a menu at a restaurant: the menu gives you a list of the dishes available, but you don’t have to eat them all. You can choose the one that suits your appetite the most.

Earlier today, ML and I were discussing possible plans for the next year and a half or so of our chastity play, even tossing around ideas as to which devices I would wear at which times, etc. I could tell ML was enjoying the ideas – her pussy was SOPPING wet afterwards – but I also know that none of it is set in stone. My Lady’s appetite can change daily and she is totally in charge of my chastity. My ideas could make it more exciting for the both of us, but she is always in complete control.

Neither of us would have it any other way.

Ok, let me back up a bit.

During our vacation and since then as well, My Lady has kept me unlocked almost as often as she has kept me locked. Perhaps it’s even more tilted towards unlocked, but I haven’t been keeping much track. I’m too busy being teased insane by a hellaciously horny woman nearly every moment of the day.

ML has kept me unlocked so she can tease me whenever she wants and use her “favorite toy” whenever the mood strikes her. And she has been very active in both of those activities. Whether it’s sneaking a quick edge or two when the kids aren’t around or giving me a long teasing blowjob, she is certainly getting her fill of my cock. She has also been getting a good dose of sex, either taking charge and climbing on top of me or having me do all the work.

I’ll tell you this – it has not been easy to remain a “good boy” and refrain from cumming while fucking ML. In fact, I doubt you can classify what I end up doing as “fucking.” I’m often on the very edge of orgasm after just a few strokes into her tight wet pussy. At this point, I have no choice but to hold still as I struggle for control. After I drag myself back from the brink, I can usually manage only a few more thrusts before I’m right back to the edge again. And if ML wants some good hard thrusts, I pretty much have no choice but to give her a few good deep strokes before I have to jump up off of her before my cock explodes inside her.

My Lady assures me that this is not a problem for her, that she expects is after teasing and denying me for so long and that she is the one who is creating the situation. If it truly was a problem for her, she would just let me cum. She makes a good point, but I still want to be able to satisfy her penetration needs. This is why I was so happy that the RodeOh harness worked so well.

Earlier today I found an accidental solution to the problem, albeit not a permanent one. The kids went outside into the backyard to play, which left ML and me with some alone time. My cock got hard pretty quick as ML jumped on top of me and straddled me on the couch. It wasn’t long before I was hard as a rock and sliding into her warm pussy.

So, My Lady was riding my cock, and I could feel the edge approaching quickly. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the TV was on. Right then, a light bulb went off in my head. A DISTRACTION! THAT’S WHAT I NEED!

So while ML is bouncing her pussy on my cock, her beautiful tits hanging right above my face, I start listening to Stephen A. Smith argue with Skip Bayless about the NFL draft. I’m listening and really thinking about what he’s saying. My Lady’s sexiness is still there, right in front of my face (and right on top of my cock), so it takes a real effort to pay attention.

And then I realize it’s working.

The urge to cum is fading slowly, and ML is still riding me hard. I was able to hold back, even when ML’s orgasm started to hit her. Usually, feeling her pussy squeeze my cock when she cums will be too much for me to handle, but this time I had no problems as she rode me through her orgasm. It was great to finally NOT have to tell her to be careful or to slow down. It was great to feel her cum on my cock without having to resort to her rubbing her clit while I stayed motionless inside her.

As successful as this was, I cannot resort to watching ESPN every time ML an I have sex. We’ve discussed the idea of desensitizing spray, and the RodeOh is also an option. I just don’t understand how guys out there can deal with this problem. I read on blogs here and there about how guys who have been denied even longer than I have can have sex with their KH, and they don’t mention anything about this type of issue. Is this just something guys don’t normally feel comfortable talking about, or is it just me that has this problem?

Communication needs to be the heart of every relationship. No one can read anyone’s mind and it’s important to know and understand what your partner is thinking and feeling. The only way that will happen is to be an active, calm, open-minded listener. How we interact about issues such as time spent together or away from one another, commitment, money, health, our kids, family, friends, trust, and intimacy affects our ability to develop and maintain lasting marriages and relationships. 

We have found, since beginning this new journey, that communication is a huge part of an enforced chastity relationship. A lot of things could go wrong if you don’t take time to talk about each other’s expectations, goals and fears.

It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.

When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.

Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than talking about the current encounter and emotions involved which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.

Another important thing is to be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way. Even if it may not seem so, your partner will respect you more for it in the long run.

Avoid placing blame and attacking your partner, a nice calm conversation is what you’re looking for, not confrontation. It’s easy to address this kind of topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” When a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of a person’s survival nature. During these kinds of personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about you, your experience, what you’re thinking, and what you’re feeling. This may still impact your partner and might even hurt a bit, but it definitely increases the chances that you’ll be heard. Purposefully hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good if you have a partner who’s reluctant to have this conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep things calm, though not always less emotionally charged. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.

Be sure to fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your partner and never assume they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking. No one wants to feel misunderstood, unappreciated, disregarded or disrespected.

You’d think it would be easier to bring up a subject like sex. Sex talk is all over in our culture. There are sex tips in magazines and on talk-shows. It’s pretty rare to actually see examples of real couples discussing sex. “Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk,” says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. “You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability,” he says. No one teaches us how to actually talk about such sensitive subjects. Not just sexual subjects but any emotionally charged topics.

Early on in a relationship we are “drunk in love” and talking about sex is fun and arousing. Everything is exciting and new but in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. Sexual problems can crop up for any number of reasons. Anything from stress at work, child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging can cause issues in our intimate relationships. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing.

I think having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse is pretty common. Just try to remember that the discussion may take more than one conversation. You don’t have to figure it all out at once. It is very important to be gentle with your partner. A really great line to get your conversation started would go a little something like this… ‘I love you, and I’d like to feel more connected to you.’

Once we got through the initial conversation and got those communication floods gates opened things flowed much more easily. We continue to keep that communication very open and non-judgemental. One way we keep this level of communication going in our relationship is by using a notebook as a journal. It’s been a pretty fantastic way to bring up some of the more challenging subjects we may run into.
image
Communication is something I try to encourage in any relationship. I can’t see a relationship surviving the long-term trials without strong communication.